A "New Life"

Huge entry today!! Long read, grab a cup of coffee or two and clear your schedule for awhile if you're going to sit down and read my story. And yes, I do suggest you sit down, lol.  ;-) 

So, continuing from where i left off on my last entry, I'll start w/this - July 21st 2008, I receive a phone call - the day after my hubby's 37th birthday - a phone call that would spark a big change. From that point on, it would change my entire life. A phone call I'd been praying for since earlier that year in February. 

So, now I'm going to lead you into a story that not many of you know about. Perhaps some had suspicions, others already know. Do I think I'm something special?? Nope, no more special than you, or any other human being that lives and breathes and wants/hopes for something better than what they've done so far. My story is not special to anybody. But it's my life, therefore it's special to me, and I'm special to God.

What I don't need is criticism. What I don't need is anybody judging me. What I don't need is skepticism. What I do need is understanding, patience as you read through my blog, appreciation for all I've gone through - and love - because we all need love.  <3 

Read on.......

***What I'm about to talk about here is very, very, VERY private, personal yet special to me. It's something that I rarely talk about. And I *never* talk about it freely. I'm very skeptical over who I can trust based on a couple bad experiences. My story may provoke people to pass judgement on me, come to the wrong conclusions, or even feel betrayed for not having known sooner. But I feel it is my sole decision over who knows my story. I have many reasons for not being completely open about myself. For the most part, yes, I'm worried about what people would think of me. And I worry that what they'll *think* I did - was the exact opposite of what I *actually* did. So, I've finally made the decision to put myself out there, open myself up to criticism, and face whatever anyone has to throw at me. Because I have never been ashamed. I may not handle criticism well, but I'm ready to defend myself if needed.  :-)  In fact, I'm not even convinced that I am fully prepared to disclose my story......but, I'm going to anyway. Otherwise, you won't understand the purpose of my blog. There are some people in my life whom I wished I'd had the courage to tell them of this part of my life, before now. I'm not sure why I never did. but, if they read my blog, they'll now know, and hopefully not think any less of me. I'm hoping for those of you reading, you won't think any less of me either, but think of me as being more courageous than one who was giving up. If I'd given up, I would still be close to 300 lbs. that would've signified I'd given up. One thing I'm not, is a quitter. And giving up is something I will never allow myself to do. Never. So please, don't judge me for the choices I've made, and for me making the decision to finally be open about those choices.*** 

Okay, maybe now you're just thinking "she really doesn't need to make such a big thing out of exposing her story, it's not that big of a deal, so what?!" but - it's a HUGE deal to me. I've kept this part of my life such a big secret, because I'm concerned about being judged or criticized. I've decided that even though I'm not entirely ready for such criticism, I am ready to run this blog and take it where I want to go w/it, so please - just bare w/me?! Love me anyway? :-D 

I mean seriously......how can I express how proud I am over all I've achieved if I can't even explain how I achieved it, right? Plus, getting myself to the point where I've done enough negotiating w/myself to open up about my story is the reason it's taken me so long to make this next entry.  :-)

Now that I've added that disclosure to my story, I can continue ------ 

So, about that phone call. I guess I need to do a little back-tracking here. Alrighty, so it's mid-february, I'm driving up Henderson St around Wendy's where the big billboard is. And I just happened to see the sign advertising "Now at Cottage Hospital, the new Bariatric Program...call this number...." That billboard got to me. Something inside me just lit up! I went home and told my hubby about the sign and asked his opinion. He told me it never hurts to make a phone call to get further info. So, I called the hospital telling them I had just driven past their billboard on Henderson and I was very interested in what it was all about. They connected me to a friendly, informative girl named Christy who just so happened to be the coordinator of their new program. She offered to send me a packet of information and scheduled an office consultation w/her the following week. That sign that I saw on the road that day was the "sign" I needed. God made sure I would see it! 

So, I started doing a lot of research. I'd heard of the lap-band, mainly from 2 years prior when I was researching gastric bypass. I really didn't know anything about it though, other than Ozzy Osbourne's wife Sharon had it done in '99. So, at that point, I started digging up a WHOLE LOT of research online. I received the info packet in the mail from Christy and read through everything over and over and over again. Also learning that Muhammad Ali's daughter Khalia had the lap-band ( http://blog critics.org/books/article/interview-Khalid-Ali-speaks-out-on/ ) . It wasn't that the more celebrities I'd read about having weight loss troubles and having the Band put in, the more intrigued I was. I just wanted to read about ANYBODY'S story, no matter who they were! And the fact that a couple celebrities were among those who'd had it done just it a little more real to me. 

I then call our insurance company to ask them questions about it. They informed me that if I meet their criteria, then they actually cover the procedure. Bonus! Things are starting to make me realize this must be my answer. Okay, so Don goes w/me to my appointment w/the coordinator of the program. She's very friendly, very informative and very matter-of-fact w/me. She takes my measurements (which I would post here if I had my notebook w/me, but I'm in my car in the McDonald's parking lot, using their free wi-fi on my iPad to type this out - and NO, I'm not eating here!) I do know the numbers were atrocious! Like my hips were somewhere in the 50's. Anywho, she has me step on the scale, records the numbers, comes to my BMI and informs me based on that alone I would qualify. However, I also had to have been working w/a doctor on a weight loss plan w/in the past 2 years (at the time). And I hadn't. The last time I had my doc help me was  6 years prior. I was doing it all on my own, and failing every year. But --- she still thought I'd qualify through their own criteria, as well as my insurance. She sent me home w/a big binder full of paperwork to read through. All the information I needed to learn how the whole system works, before, during, after. I studied that info so much, I practically had it all memorized verbatim. She called me about a month later telling she heard from our insurance saying they needed me to work w/a doctor again to try and lose weight. 

I went to my doc who was not only thrilled that I'd made the decision to have the lap-band done, but was kinda kicking herself for not having recommended it to me, herself. She ran a full lab work-up on me to check all my levels. Strangely, everything came back in the normal ranges. Cholesterol looked good, thyroid looked good, liver looked good, proteins were a little high, blood glucose levels looked good, blood count looked good, blood pressyre was normal -but at the higher end of normal. Basically, I had nothing in my blood work indicating I was at risk for diabetes, heart problems, or anything like that.  That was VERY comforting. So, I wasn't at risk for anything scary......at the moment......but that didn't mean I wouldn't be at risk in that near future. My mom was suffering from high blood pressure, thyroid problems, sleep apnea, borderline diabetes.......all things I didn't want to someday face because of my size. And as it turns out, the reason mom suffered was because of her size as well. So, I knew if I didn't do something permanent soon, I could very well end up in the same position as mom. 

Then, I went back to Lynette, the nutritionist I'd seen back in January 2002. She put me on a modified diet regime that would indicate I'm getting help through the medical field, but would still help me qualify for the procedure based on our insurance company's standards. I was also to start attending the Weighting For Change Support Group meetings twice a month. I started going in April that year and loved it! I gathered so much more information from those meetings! People who were seeking the same as me, people who were waiting for their insurance to give the "ok", people who were already scheduled to have it done, people who had recently had it done, people who'd had it done several months before. I was always full of questions, seeking as much info as I could possibly get. I didn't need anymore convincing to have it done at this point. I was "sold"! But, I still was so inquisitive and curious. We got diet/exercise tips, nutritional info, learned how to live w/the band, what to do, what *not* to do. Problems patients had experienced. Issues some had to deal with. But nothing scared me away. I was so determined that this was my "answer", that I only got more and more excited as time went on. I was so excited as support group night approached twice each month. I craved all the info I received at those meetings. I tried to not miss a single one! About the only thing I had a problem w/was the fact that for the first time since 2002, I couldn't exercise that summer to try again to lose weight. I needed to make sure I still met the criteria for insurance approval. 

Then I got that phone call. The life changing phone call. The phone call that made my in-laws (who were in town visiting from Florida that week) highly doubtful. They weren't as thrilled for me as my hubby and I were. They were quite skeptical and I'd imagine concerned for my health and well being, but not considering that this procedure could possibly secure that for me. But, Don and I were ecstatic! Christy informed me that she'd heard from our insurance about having the lap-band, and they APPROVED my surgery as soon as I was ready. Christy went ahead and scheduled me for surgery August 18th, 2008. She knew I wouldn't want to wait or "beat around the bush", lol. 2 weeks prior to surgery date I was to start a pre-op diet that would help shrink my liver so my surgeon would be able to work on my stomach w/ease. I think it was also to start training me to my new lifestyle. 

So, my liquid diet began, August 4th. The first 3-6 days were the WORST!!! I had a list of foods I could eat during those 2 weeks. I was allowed 3oz of protein a day that could come from foods like cheese, chicken, eggs, turkey, etc. otherwise, it was strictly broth soups, sugar free jello, water, tea, coffee w/o cream or sugar. It was T--O--U--G--H!!!!! But, I somehow managed!! I survived the 2 weeks. Don moved his vacation up from November to middle of August so he could be home during my recovery, to help me get through it all. 

I had an upper GI to take a peek at my guts to make sure everything looked normal - i.e. no hernias or anything else that could deter the surgery. Looked good! I arrive at the hospital w/the hubs, bright and early the morning of Monday 8/18/08, they plop me on the scale to show that I lost 20 lbs exactly, which is what they wanted me to lose. So, the surgeon was able to start his procedure on me. I was put through the prepping process and scheduled for a 9am surgery. They didn't actually get me in until after noon, maybe closer to 1. But, it was laparoscopic, only a few tiny incisions were made. 1 for the camera, 1 for the tools, including the band and port itself. He put a silicone band around the top 2 inches or so of my stomach. He then moved skin from my stomach around the band to help hold it in place, and secured it w/dissolving stitches, I think. From the band extends a thin hose that leads to the port. The port sits under my skin above my stomach. I was out of surgery in no time and allowed to stay in recovery till after i was able to successfully swallow the nasty drink and have another upper GI, to show that everything is working as it should, also after my surgeon came to talk to me. The hospital director also came to talk to me, which was cool, because he was just as excited about the program as I was. I developed a nauseating headache and was required to stay awhile longer. But, I slept it off, no longer felt woozy, so by 7 the same night I was sent home.  :-) 

The band keeps the new pouch of my stomach from allowing high quantities of food through to the rest of my stomach. There was no cutting my insides, no re-routing of any sort. No removing parts of my stomach, or cutting apart and cauterizing. Just a band to make the top of my stomach smaller, but still allowing food to pass through to the rest of my stomach. 

The hole in my stomach from the band is now a stoma, and is roughly the size of a dime to a penny. The top portion of the stomach is what sends the message to our brains indicating "fullness". Therefore, the role of the lap-band is to trick the brain into thinking it's full. When I eat, I have to chew, chew, chew my food down to a blended pulp so that when it does pass through, it won't get stuck in the stoma. There are all kinds of eating rules I now have to follow to make this whole thing work. 

Oh! The role of the port. Ok, so I have this thingy under my skin, that I can feel all the time, sometimes I can even see it. I know, creepy, right?! Well. The port is important in determining how tight the band sits around my stomach. A week after I had the staples removed, the surgeon had me come in for a "fill". This is where he sprays a numbing antiseptic over the port area. Then using a needle, injects a saline solution into the port which flows through the tube leading to the band, making the band just a little bit tighter around my stomach. This also means I'll be eating even less, and learning which foods prove to be difficult. Over the course of that next year, I would end up having a total of 4 "fills", which put me at almost my maximum capacity of 10cc's. The nice thing about the lap-band system - if I ever felt the band was too tight, which would become obvious to me if I couldn't eat very well - then they could use a needle to remove some of the saline, which would free up a little room around the band. For me, I just learned how to work around it. I've never had fluid removed from it, and choose not to ever have fluid removed. Another plus, if anything ever happened, the lap-band is completely reversible! It can be removed! But, 4 years later, I have no plans to ever have it removed. 

Ok, so my recovery from the surgery took awhile longer than I cared for. I was sore. I was afraid I'd never be able to sleep on my tummy again, lol. Doc said I could start a light exercise as soon as I was comfortable, like walking for 10-15 min each day. I started my walking right away, like 2 weeks post-op. I progressed to riding an exercise bike by October. I started slow, about 10 min the first day, adding 10 min every 3 days. W/in 2weeks, I was comfortable enough to ride for a full hour. So, from October through March, I rode my bike for exercise. I got a job working at Target from November thru January, that also kept me active. By February 2009, 6 months post-op, I lost about 65 lbs. 

The diet was an enormous learning experience!! At first I had to eat food from a blender. That was weird, but do-able. Then every 2weeks till I was 6 weeks post-op, my diet would get a little more tolerable, yet hugely modified. By the time I was "on my own" and no longer required to follow the strict guidelines, I was good to go! I was learning what foods I could no longer eat. And the reason I could no longer eat them was because they'd hurt too much getting "stuck"!! I always loved bread. But, not sliced, store bought type bread. But bakery, specialty bread. Cheesy breads, seasoned breads, etc. after having the band, I learned w/a quickness that I can no longer eat it. My band just couldn't tolerate it, it'd get stuck, it'd hurt, so I immediately decided bread was no longer an option. I thought that would be the hardest thing to overcome. Nope! Once I've determined a certain food type doesn't agree w/my band, then it was not a problem. I just moved on to what I could tolerate. Steak is another food I can't chew up enough to pass comfortably through the band. Even lettuce! Who knew! There's several foods I can no longer enjoy, but it doesn't bother me. Now, 4 years later I've learned how to eat a small bite or 2 of certain foods, but that's the extent of it. 

Living w/the band has been a tremendous learning experience. And although it's taken me till this past winter to really, REALLY learn and understand the importance of healthy eating, it's a decision I made in 2008 and have not regretted that decision even for a second! I love my band! I love how it keeps me disciplined in my eating habits. When food gets stuck, it reminds me to either slow it down, or informs me I've had enough. I can only eat around a cup of food each meal. Protein is extremely important! Sometimes I'm able to eat more than a cup, and that's simply because it's something that's passing right through the band, not filling my smaller "pouch" as I call it. So, then I need to try and be carefully mindful of just how much I'm eating. The concept of the band is to teach me to eat much smaller portions of food, to make wiser food choices, and it's to be used simply as a tool. 

The problem other people have w/the band is thinking it would be a "magic cure" for weight loss. It's only a tool. Not the cure. It doesn't make you lose weight. Only YOU can do that, the band keeps me disciplined, honest and mindfully in control of how much I eat. It's up to me to lose the weight. Sticking to the vital rules of eating w/the band is key!! If I still eat the wrong foods all the time, well then I'm not going to lose the weight. If I drink anything immediately after a meal, or w/a meal, all I may end up doing is "washing" it down, which won't allow me to feel that fullness. I am in full control of this!! The weight loss is completely up to me!! If I ignore or challenge the band, I will not lose weight. In fact, ignoring or challenging the band can actually cause the smaller pouch to expand, and now you're left in the same predicament you were in pre-band, only now you're in more danger. By eating beyond the pouch's capabilities, the stomach can stretch out, even to the point of "explosion". Once the stomach does that, everything is ruined. Your life will go downhill and you'll be in huge, huge trouble. And from what I've heard from the surgeon.....it's happened before. 

This procedure is actually approved by the FDA as a successful, minimally invasive weight loss procedure. There have been great successes from it, and others not so much. (I know, now i just sound like I'm advertising it. I'm not, though) From some of the people I've spoken w/who've had the band, they weren't expecting all the lifestyle changes they were now faced with. Which kinda shocks me, because I think they would've been just as well informed as I was regarding everything about it. For instance, not happy w/having to give up certain foods. Not accepting of the pain of getting food stuck, not willing to eat smarter food choices, therefore not losing the weight??? I know of a few personally who have had this done, and they've not been successful w/the weight loss. I don't know why. I would love to talk w/them to try and help them. But, I'm worried they'd resent me. I'm worried they'd have full explanations as to why they still can't lose weight, but I'd see right through that and try to advise them, which would cause them to possibly feel bitter towards me, which could also hurt a friendship. I don't want that to happen. So, for now, I just have to hope they'll figure it all out and be able to work w/the band and allow the weight loss to occur.  :-) 

The Lap-band is not magic. It's just a great tool to use in helping one to lose weight. There are many "tools" to use. This is just one of them. I will say that I've had great success, but also great setbacks. In my next blog entry - now that I've put you to sleep reading this one - I will tell you what I did next. Hopefully the next one won't be as long.  ;-)

I hope after reading this huge entry, you haven't changed your opinion of me for the worse. I want you to understand how much having the band means to me! I've had people tell me "I'm so glad you aren't one of those people who resorted to surgery to lose weight" - well, yes, actually I am one of those people. I made the wise decision to lose weight, and the band just helped me get started, and helps keep me going. After explaining to someone (who asked how I did it), that I reduced the amount of food I eat, I've learned to make smarter choices and I workout.......**after having the lap-band in.......I got this "ohhhh-hhhh. So, you cheated? You just gave up?" Nope. I did NOT cheat. I found a useful tool. I did not give up. Quite the opposite. One who makes the decision to lose weight, and find the best way to make that happen, and works w/that choice, and does what they can to make it happen is NOT someone who gave up or cheated. Get it right!  :-)

I am a winner, because I'm a loser!!  :-)  I put in the effort everyday to reach my goals. Having the band isn't causing fat to just melt off my body. The band isn't making me stronger, physically and mentally. The band is just keeping things tight while I put in all the work. 

Stay tuned!! There's LOTS more!!  <3 <3