Huge entry today!! Long read, grab a cup of coffee or two and clear your schedule for awhile if you're going to sit down and read my story. And yes, I do suggest you sit down, lol. ;-)
So, continuing from where i left off on my last entry, I'll start w/this - July 21st 2008, I receive a phone call - the day after my hubby's 37th birthday - a phone call that would spark a big change. From that point on, it would change my entire life. A phone call I'd been praying for since earlier that year in February.
So, now I'm going to lead you into a story that not many of you know about. Perhaps some had suspicions, others already know. Do I think I'm something special?? Nope, no more special than you, or any other human being that lives and breathes and wants/hopes for something better than what they've done so far. My story is not special to anybody. But it's my life, therefore it's special to me, and I'm special to God.
What I don't need is criticism. What I don't need is anybody judging me. What I don't need is skepticism. What I do need is understanding, patience as you read through my blog, appreciation for all I've gone through - and love - because we all need love. <3
Read on.......
***What I'm about to talk about here is very, very, VERY private, personal yet special to me. It's something that I rarely talk about. And I *never* talk about it freely. I'm very skeptical over who I can trust based on a couple bad experiences. My story may provoke people to pass judgement on me, come to the wrong conclusions, or even feel betrayed for not having known sooner. But I feel it is my sole decision over who knows my story. I have many reasons for not being completely open about myself. For the most part, yes, I'm worried about what people would think of me. And I worry that what they'll *think* I did - was the exact opposite of what I *actually* did. So, I've finally made the decision to put myself out there, open myself up to criticism, and face whatever anyone has to throw at me. Because I have never been ashamed. I may not handle criticism well, but I'm ready to defend myself if needed. :-) In fact, I'm not even convinced that I am fully prepared to disclose my story......but, I'm going to anyway. Otherwise, you won't understand the purpose of my blog. There are some people in my life whom I wished I'd had the courage to tell them of this part of my life, before now. I'm not sure why I never did. but, if they read my blog, they'll now know, and hopefully not think any less of me. I'm hoping for those of you reading, you won't think any less of me either, but think of me as being more courageous than one who was giving up. If I'd given up, I would still be close to 300 lbs. that would've signified I'd given up. One thing I'm not, is a quitter. And giving up is something I will never allow myself to do. Never. So please, don't judge me for the choices I've made, and for me making the decision to finally be open about those choices.***
Okay, maybe now you're just thinking "she really doesn't need to make such a big thing out of exposing her story, it's not that big of a deal, so what?!" but - it's a HUGE deal to me. I've kept this part of my life such a big secret, because I'm concerned about being judged or criticized. I've decided that even though I'm not entirely ready for such criticism, I am ready to run this blog and take it where I want to go w/it, so please - just bare w/me?! Love me anyway? :-D
I mean seriously......how can I express how proud I am over all I've achieved if I can't even explain how I achieved it, right? Plus, getting myself to the point where I've done enough negotiating w/myself to open up about my story is the reason it's taken me so long to make this next entry. :-)
Now that I've added that disclosure to my story, I can continue ------
So, about that phone call. I guess I need to do a little back-tracking here. Alrighty, so it's mid-february, I'm driving up Henderson St around Wendy's where the big billboard is. And I just happened to see the sign advertising "Now at Cottage Hospital, the new Bariatric Program...call this number...." That billboard got to me. Something inside me just lit up! I went home and told my hubby about the sign and asked his opinion. He told me it never hurts to make a phone call to get further info. So, I called the hospital telling them I had just driven past their billboard on Henderson and I was very interested in what it was all about. They connected me to a friendly, informative girl named Christy who just so happened to be the coordinator of their new program. She offered to send me a packet of information and scheduled an office consultation w/her the following week. That sign that I saw on the road that day was the "sign" I needed. God made sure I would see it!
So, I started doing a lot of research. I'd heard of the lap-band, mainly from 2 years prior when I was researching gastric bypass. I really didn't know anything about it though, other than Ozzy Osbourne's wife Sharon had it done in '99. So, at that point, I started digging up a WHOLE LOT of research online. I received the info packet in the mail from Christy and read through everything over and over and over again. Also learning that Muhammad Ali's daughter Khalia had the lap-band ( http://blog critics.org/books/article/interview-Khalid-Ali-speaks-out-on/ ) . It wasn't that the more celebrities I'd read about having weight loss troubles and having the Band put in, the more intrigued I was. I just wanted to read about ANYBODY'S story, no matter who they were! And the fact that a couple celebrities were among those who'd had it done just it a little more real to me.
I then call our insurance company to ask them questions about it. They informed me that if I meet their criteria, then they actually cover the procedure. Bonus! Things are starting to make me realize this must be my answer. Okay, so Don goes w/me to my appointment w/the coordinator of the program. She's very friendly, very informative and very matter-of-fact w/me. She takes my measurements (which I would post here if I had my notebook w/me, but I'm in my car in the McDonald's parking lot, using their free wi-fi on my iPad to type this out - and NO, I'm not eating here!) I do know the numbers were atrocious! Like my hips were somewhere in the 50's. Anywho, she has me step on the scale, records the numbers, comes to my BMI and informs me based on that alone I would qualify. However, I also had to have been working w/a doctor on a weight loss plan w/in the past 2 years (at the time). And I hadn't. The last time I had my doc help me was 6 years prior. I was doing it all on my own, and failing every year. But --- she still thought I'd qualify through their own criteria, as well as my insurance. She sent me home w/a big binder full of paperwork to read through. All the information I needed to learn how the whole system works, before, during, after. I studied that info so much, I practically had it all memorized verbatim. She called me about a month later telling she heard from our insurance saying they needed me to work w/a doctor again to try and lose weight.
I went to my doc who was not only thrilled that I'd made the decision to have the lap-band done, but was kinda kicking herself for not having recommended it to me, herself. She ran a full lab work-up on me to check all my levels. Strangely, everything came back in the normal ranges. Cholesterol looked good, thyroid looked good, liver looked good, proteins were a little high, blood glucose levels looked good, blood count looked good, blood pressyre was normal -but at the higher end of normal. Basically, I had nothing in my blood work indicating I was at risk for diabetes, heart problems, or anything like that. That was VERY comforting. So, I wasn't at risk for anything scary......at the moment......but that didn't mean I wouldn't be at risk in that near future. My mom was suffering from high blood pressure, thyroid problems, sleep apnea, borderline diabetes.......all things I didn't want to someday face because of my size. And as it turns out, the reason mom suffered was because of her size as well. So, I knew if I didn't do something permanent soon, I could very well end up in the same position as mom.
Then, I went back to Lynette, the nutritionist I'd seen back in January 2002. She put me on a modified diet regime that would indicate I'm getting help through the medical field, but would still help me qualify for the procedure based on our insurance company's standards. I was also to start attending the Weighting For Change Support Group meetings twice a month. I started going in April that year and loved it! I gathered so much more information from those meetings! People who were seeking the same as me, people who were waiting for their insurance to give the "ok", people who were already scheduled to have it done, people who had recently had it done, people who'd had it done several months before. I was always full of questions, seeking as much info as I could possibly get. I didn't need anymore convincing to have it done at this point. I was "sold"! But, I still was so inquisitive and curious. We got diet/exercise tips, nutritional info, learned how to live w/the band, what to do, what *not* to do. Problems patients had experienced. Issues some had to deal with. But nothing scared me away. I was so determined that this was my "answer", that I only got more and more excited as time went on. I was so excited as support group night approached twice each month. I craved all the info I received at those meetings. I tried to not miss a single one! About the only thing I had a problem w/was the fact that for the first time since 2002, I couldn't exercise that summer to try again to lose weight. I needed to make sure I still met the criteria for insurance approval.
Then I got that phone call. The life changing phone call. The phone call that made my in-laws (who were in town visiting from Florida that week) highly doubtful. They weren't as thrilled for me as my hubby and I were. They were quite skeptical and I'd imagine concerned for my health and well being, but not considering that this procedure could possibly secure that for me. But, Don and I were ecstatic! Christy informed me that she'd heard from our insurance about having the lap-band, and they APPROVED my surgery as soon as I was ready. Christy went ahead and scheduled me for surgery August 18th, 2008. She knew I wouldn't want to wait or "beat around the bush", lol. 2 weeks prior to surgery date I was to start a pre-op diet that would help shrink my liver so my surgeon would be able to work on my stomach w/ease. I think it was also to start training me to my new lifestyle.
So, my liquid diet began, August 4th. The first 3-6 days were the WORST!!! I had a list of foods I could eat during those 2 weeks. I was allowed 3oz of protein a day that could come from foods like cheese, chicken, eggs, turkey, etc. otherwise, it was strictly broth soups, sugar free jello, water, tea, coffee w/o cream or sugar. It was T--O--U--G--H!!!!! But, I somehow managed!! I survived the 2 weeks. Don moved his vacation up from November to middle of August so he could be home during my recovery, to help me get through it all.
I had an upper GI to take a peek at my guts to make sure everything looked normal - i.e. no hernias or anything else that could deter the surgery. Looked good! I arrive at the hospital w/the hubs, bright and early the morning of Monday 8/18/08, they plop me on the scale to show that I lost 20 lbs exactly, which is what they wanted me to lose. So, the surgeon was able to start his procedure on me. I was put through the prepping process and scheduled for a 9am surgery. They didn't actually get me in until after noon, maybe closer to 1. But, it was laparoscopic, only a few tiny incisions were made. 1 for the camera, 1 for the tools, including the band and port itself. He put a silicone band around the top 2 inches or so of my stomach. He then moved skin from my stomach around the band to help hold it in place, and secured it w/dissolving stitches, I think. From the band extends a thin hose that leads to the port. The port sits under my skin above my stomach. I was out of surgery in no time and allowed to stay in recovery till after i was able to successfully swallow the nasty drink and have another upper GI, to show that everything is working as it should, also after my surgeon came to talk to me. The hospital director also came to talk to me, which was cool, because he was just as excited about the program as I was. I developed a nauseating headache and was required to stay awhile longer. But, I slept it off, no longer felt woozy, so by 7 the same night I was sent home. :-)
The band keeps the new pouch of my stomach from allowing high quantities of food through to the rest of my stomach. There was no cutting my insides, no re-routing of any sort. No removing parts of my stomach, or cutting apart and cauterizing. Just a band to make the top of my stomach smaller, but still allowing food to pass through to the rest of my stomach.
The hole in my stomach from the band is now a stoma, and is roughly the size of a dime to a penny. The top portion of the stomach is what sends the message to our brains indicating "fullness". Therefore, the role of the lap-band is to trick the brain into thinking it's full. When I eat, I have to chew, chew, chew my food down to a blended pulp so that when it does pass through, it won't get stuck in the stoma. There are all kinds of eating rules I now have to follow to make this whole thing work.
Oh! The role of the port. Ok, so I have this thingy under my skin, that I can feel all the time, sometimes I can even see it. I know, creepy, right?! Well. The port is important in determining how tight the band sits around my stomach. A week after I had the staples removed, the surgeon had me come in for a "fill". This is where he sprays a numbing antiseptic over the port area. Then using a needle, injects a saline solution into the port which flows through the tube leading to the band, making the band just a little bit tighter around my stomach. This also means I'll be eating even less, and learning which foods prove to be difficult. Over the course of that next year, I would end up having a total of 4 "fills", which put me at almost my maximum capacity of 10cc's. The nice thing about the lap-band system - if I ever felt the band was too tight, which would become obvious to me if I couldn't eat very well - then they could use a needle to remove some of the saline, which would free up a little room around the band. For me, I just learned how to work around it. I've never had fluid removed from it, and choose not to ever have fluid removed. Another plus, if anything ever happened, the lap-band is completely reversible! It can be removed! But, 4 years later, I have no plans to ever have it removed.
Ok, so my recovery from the surgery took awhile longer than I cared for. I was sore. I was afraid I'd never be able to sleep on my tummy again, lol. Doc said I could start a light exercise as soon as I was comfortable, like walking for 10-15 min each day. I started my walking right away, like 2 weeks post-op. I progressed to riding an exercise bike by October. I started slow, about 10 min the first day, adding 10 min every 3 days. W/in 2weeks, I was comfortable enough to ride for a full hour. So, from October through March, I rode my bike for exercise. I got a job working at Target from November thru January, that also kept me active. By February 2009, 6 months post-op, I lost about 65 lbs.
The diet was an enormous learning experience!! At first I had to eat food from a blender. That was weird, but do-able. Then every 2weeks till I was 6 weeks post-op, my diet would get a little more tolerable, yet hugely modified. By the time I was "on my own" and no longer required to follow the strict guidelines, I was good to go! I was learning what foods I could no longer eat. And the reason I could no longer eat them was because they'd hurt too much getting "stuck"!! I always loved bread. But, not sliced, store bought type bread. But bakery, specialty bread. Cheesy breads, seasoned breads, etc. after having the band, I learned w/a quickness that I can no longer eat it. My band just couldn't tolerate it, it'd get stuck, it'd hurt, so I immediately decided bread was no longer an option. I thought that would be the hardest thing to overcome. Nope! Once I've determined a certain food type doesn't agree w/my band, then it was not a problem. I just moved on to what I could tolerate. Steak is another food I can't chew up enough to pass comfortably through the band. Even lettuce! Who knew! There's several foods I can no longer enjoy, but it doesn't bother me. Now, 4 years later I've learned how to eat a small bite or 2 of certain foods, but that's the extent of it.
Living w/the band has been a tremendous learning experience. And although it's taken me till this past winter to really, REALLY learn and understand the importance of healthy eating, it's a decision I made in 2008 and have not regretted that decision even for a second! I love my band! I love how it keeps me disciplined in my eating habits. When food gets stuck, it reminds me to either slow it down, or informs me I've had enough. I can only eat around a cup of food each meal. Protein is extremely important! Sometimes I'm able to eat more than a cup, and that's simply because it's something that's passing right through the band, not filling my smaller "pouch" as I call it. So, then I need to try and be carefully mindful of just how much I'm eating. The concept of the band is to teach me to eat much smaller portions of food, to make wiser food choices, and it's to be used simply as a tool.
The problem other people have w/the band is thinking it would be a "magic cure" for weight loss. It's only a tool. Not the cure. It doesn't make you lose weight. Only YOU can do that, the band keeps me disciplined, honest and mindfully in control of how much I eat. It's up to me to lose the weight. Sticking to the vital rules of eating w/the band is key!! If I still eat the wrong foods all the time, well then I'm not going to lose the weight. If I drink anything immediately after a meal, or w/a meal, all I may end up doing is "washing" it down, which won't allow me to feel that fullness. I am in full control of this!! The weight loss is completely up to me!! If I ignore or challenge the band, I will not lose weight. In fact, ignoring or challenging the band can actually cause the smaller pouch to expand, and now you're left in the same predicament you were in pre-band, only now you're in more danger. By eating beyond the pouch's capabilities, the stomach can stretch out, even to the point of "explosion". Once the stomach does that, everything is ruined. Your life will go downhill and you'll be in huge, huge trouble. And from what I've heard from the surgeon.....it's happened before.
This procedure is actually approved by the FDA as a successful, minimally invasive weight loss procedure. There have been great successes from it, and others not so much. (I know, now i just sound like I'm advertising it. I'm not, though) From some of the people I've spoken w/who've had the band, they weren't expecting all the lifestyle changes they were now faced with. Which kinda shocks me, because I think they would've been just as well informed as I was regarding everything about it. For instance, not happy w/having to give up certain foods. Not accepting of the pain of getting food stuck, not willing to eat smarter food choices, therefore not losing the weight??? I know of a few personally who have had this done, and they've not been successful w/the weight loss. I don't know why. I would love to talk w/them to try and help them. But, I'm worried they'd resent me. I'm worried they'd have full explanations as to why they still can't lose weight, but I'd see right through that and try to advise them, which would cause them to possibly feel bitter towards me, which could also hurt a friendship. I don't want that to happen. So, for now, I just have to hope they'll figure it all out and be able to work w/the band and allow the weight loss to occur. :-)
The Lap-band is not magic. It's just a great tool to use in helping one to lose weight. There are many "tools" to use. This is just one of them. I will say that I've had great success, but also great setbacks. In my next blog entry - now that I've put you to sleep reading this one - I will tell you what I did next. Hopefully the next one won't be as long. ;-)
I hope after reading this huge entry, you haven't changed your opinion of me for the worse. I want you to understand how much having the band means to me! I've had people tell me "I'm so glad you aren't one of those people who resorted to surgery to lose weight" - well, yes, actually I am one of those people. I made the wise decision to lose weight, and the band just helped me get started, and helps keep me going. After explaining to someone (who asked how I did it), that I reduced the amount of food I eat, I've learned to make smarter choices and I workout.......**after having the lap-band in.......I got this "ohhhh-hhhh. So, you cheated? You just gave up?" Nope. I did NOT cheat. I found a useful tool. I did not give up. Quite the opposite. One who makes the decision to lose weight, and find the best way to make that happen, and works w/that choice, and does what they can to make it happen is NOT someone who gave up or cheated. Get it right! :-)
I am a winner, because I'm a loser!! :-) I put in the effort everyday to reach my goals. Having the band isn't causing fat to just melt off my body. The band isn't making me stronger, physically and mentally. The band is just keeping things tight while I put in all the work.
Stay tuned!! There's LOTS more!! <3 <3
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
An "Old Life"
Warning --- this is my first entry on this blog. I'm going to take you on my journey from the beginning to the present. This blog will ultimately be about my own journey of weight loss, finding myself and adventures in exercise, etc. It will include my own personal thoughts and experiences, plenty of motivation, inspiration, and I'm sure a few surprises. This first entry, and probably the next several entries as well will be quite long and extensive. So brace yourself for a long read if you can manage to keep your eyes open, your mind interested, and your butt in the seat long enough to read through its entirety. I like to talk, (or in this case, type), so I'm not going to go easy on you, lol. :-) You ready for all this? I'm not sure I am. Been up since 7ish, and I'm already dragging the top of my body over the length of the counter top. Maybe some wake-up juice first (coffee, strong caffeine!)
**Alrighty, let's see if that helped.**. :-)
Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start --- Once upon a time there was this shy, fat girl. (She still can't to this day believe she ever allowed that to happen, but alas she did) She wasn't always fat, but for almost 17 years of her now 40 years of life, she was indeed: FAT. Yes, that's an ugly word. Sounds mean, vicious, judgmental, etc. but, it is, what it is. And I was that. Fat. What is "fat"?
**From the Merriam-Webster Medical Dictionary, 'Fat' is "notable for having an unusual amount of fat! Especially fleshy with superfluous flabby tissue that is not muscle."
**From Wikipedia, "Adipose, or fatty tissue Is the body's means of storing metabolic energy over extended periods of time. Depending on current physiological conditions, adipocytes store fat derived from the diet and liver metabolism or degrade stored fat to supply fatty acids and also glycerol to the circulation. These metabolic activities are regulated by several hormones (i.e., insulin, glucagon and epinephrine). The location of the tissue determines its metabolic profile: "visceral fat" is located within the abdominal wall (i.e., beneath the wall of abdominal muscle) whereas "subcutaneous fat" is located beneath the skin (and includes fat that is located in the abdominal area beneath the skin but above the abdominal muscle wall). Visceral fat was recently discovered to be a significant producer of signaling chemicals (i.e., hormones), among which are several which are involved in inflammatory tissue responses. One of these is resistin which has been linked to obesity, insulin resistance, and Type 2 diabetes. This latter result is currently controversial, and there have been reputable studies supporting all sides on the issue."
Okay, so there's your health/science lesson for the day. Basically, you need fat. Your brain needs it as well as your skin, and organs. But people today tend to eat all kinds of junk, even if it's as simple as chemically processed foods filled w/additives and preservatives. But, that's a whole different blog entry that I'll save for later. :-)
Let me get back to the beginning of my story -
My childhood. My childood was actually, just fine. I was very active. I was a tomboy. I didn't care for the "girly" toys, I wanted toys that would either make me use my creativity (Lite Brite, Spirograph, coloring books/crayons, this slimy gel-type science kit that made bugs and butterflies, but I can't remember the name of it, some kind of bug factory thing. But it was awesome!), or that got me active and outdoors. My favorites were my jump rope, pogo stick, roller skates and my 10 speed bike! I wanted to MOVE!! I wanted to be outside at all times! I couldn't stand playing w/dolls, the only Barbie Dolls I ever got were from friends who didn't know me well enough and gave them to me as birthday gifts. I think I took their body parts off to see how they worked, then gave them to my little sister. I did have a Barbie Bust, where I could style her hair and do her make-up. I did have that side of me - where I loved fashion, make-up, jewelry and hair. But, I had to be active and outdoors. In the winters, I was always out building snow forts and tunnels, sledding down the hill across from Algonquin Elementary School, dressing up in my snowsuit to go outside. In the summer, I had to be outside so much that my sister, our friends and I would camp out in the tent in our back yard all summer long. I had my sleeping bag, pillows, books, tv, Nintendo (the original, and by then I was already a sophomore in high school, lol), boom box and food! The only time we slept indoors was if it rained. I even so much as would prop the hose up over a tree branch and wash my hair outside. (Yeah, I know, I was so weird, but that never changed, lol -I still am) I rode my bike e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!!! I also walked everywhere. I spent every afternoon riding around through the forest preserves by our house, up and down the big hill, and all 4+ miles around the lake. I went exploring everywhere as well. If it was nature related, I was all over that!
My mom didn't want my sister and I to get big, so she was very strict w/our diets. Never allowing sweets in the house. If we were at a function w/food, 2 small desserts was our limit. We were never allowed soda or Kool-Aid to drink. Milk and water. That's it. I thought we were living this awful life because we were missing out on all that good stuff that we were never allowed to have. Now, I do appreciate what my mom was trying to do. However, I think I may have been better off having some of those treats more often as a child.
By the time I grew up, got married and moved out on my own I felt I was in Heaven. I discovered something during the first few months in our little apartment in Florida, w/my new hubby (other than finding out by our 4th month into our marriage that I was 4 weeks pregnant) and that discovery was that I not only love to cook, but I'm actually pretty good at it, AND I no longer have mom and dad telling me what I can't eat! I realized that by being grown up and on my own, I can now purchase, eat and enjoy all the things I was never allowed to have growing up. By the time I was 6 months pregnant, I weighed 200 lbs. My hubby thought it was funny. I was devastated. I was 20 years old, and foolish enough to think I can "eat for two", and not worry too much about it while I'm pregnant. I was also foolish enough to believe that I would lose all that I gained during pregnancy (which by the day of my last prenatal office visit, the day before our son was born, I weighed in at 232 lbs) that after the baby was born, especially by nursing him. Ok, so I lost about 10 lbs after he was born, and I was only able to nurse him till he was 2 months old, after losing my milk. I didn't think about eating better or exercising. I just tried to not eat as much. Moving back home to Chicago, getting our own apartment there and trying to do a little more activity than I'd been doing, I think I may have lost another 5 lbs or so. Then by the time baby boy was around 9 months old I started watching late night infomercials such as Tony Little's workout tapes. I was sooooo wanting to get those, but it was a few years before I finally did.
**break - had to take c/o a disaster in the freezer that the kids found. All cleaned up now. Besides, you needed a break from reading the mundane run-on paragraph there. Now I'm ready to continue w/another mundane run-on paragraph.** :-)
So, baby boy's first birthday comes around and we discover we're now preggers w/baby boy #2. This time I was thoroughly determined NOT to put on 95-100 lbs (or whatever it was I'd gained w/baby #1). I ate smarter, a lot more fresh veggies, and I tried to not give in to bad cravings. In the end, I was gaining or losing at each doctor visit. So by the time he was born, I'd only gained a total of 9 lbs. I wasn't exactly proud of that, because I know baby needed momma to do better than that, but I was still glad I didn't put on the excess weight.
Moving on, I got sick w/a pretty darn big kidney stone when baby boy #2 was a year old, even went into septic shock before having a stint put in and lithotripsy to have it broken down so it would pass. During this time I managed to FINALLY drop below 200 lbs. but, it wasn't anything I was actually focused on. I was mainly just trying not to die at that point. Plus, we moved away from Chicagoland and out to southeastern Iowa w/hubby's new job. So, I got better. Got rid of that awful stone. And again started enjoying food and eating a lot of garbage again. I stoooopidly managed to put the weight back on that I'd lost while sick w/the stone. Then we decided to try for baby #3. Again, I was determined to not gain all that weight from #1, so I was careful how I ate....but also made sure I ate well enough for a healthy baby gain. By the time baby boy #3 was born, my total pregnancy gain was 25 lbs. A healthy good weight gain for baby boy. Then when we had baby boy #4, I only gained 13 lbs w/him. I tried to be careful w/him, and apparently was again, too careful.
So, a couple years later, we went through a tough trial and tribulation period of losing our only daughter (born too soon, after developing a placental abruption, having her born at 21 weeks and surviving 90 min before fading out), and we decided we needed a whole new start on our life. Moved the fambly (yes, I call them my fambly) out to west central Illinois, where 12 years later, we're still here, in the same house, loving life! We made some friends during our first year out here and discovered we all loved getting together for all kinds of reasons. Including eating out at restaurants - a WHOLE lot, and ordering all kinds of appetizers and desserts, doing birthday parties for all the kids in our families, sometimes birthday parties for the moms and dads as well. Then the holiday parties - Hallowe'en, New Year's, Easter egg hunt parties, Memorial Day, 4th of July - and food was always the main factor. Lots and lots and LOTS of foooooood. All that eating made me very lazy, and very, very fat! I never wanted to go outside. I never wanted to participate in any activity. I never wanted to do anything physical. But sitting around w/all our friends and all kinds of food, glorious food....yup! That I could do! Weekly visits to Applebees w/our friends was also a must! This was a far cry of my previous life in my childhood! I managed to get up to 264 lbs by the time I was 30.
I made a decision. Right after my 30th birthday, I went to my doc and told her "I spent all of my 20's in a food frenzy, being fat, lazy and miserable! I want you to help me change that" She sent me to a nutritionist, and working w/both of them, I was eating a low carb diet. This was back when the Atkins Diet was probably at its highest popularity peak. So, I followed along w/the plan and a month into it, I'd lost 20 lbs. Doc said I was doing real good. But then I started slowing down on the carb free diet, therefore stopped losing. By April, I was back up to 252. I was asked to be matron of honor in a friends wedding. And the style of dress that was chosen for me was an empire waisted floor length dress w/a shawl. And it was all a royal purple. The dresses were beautiful, the wedding was beautiful, my hair was beautiful. The pictures were not. I nick-named my dress "the purple hot air balloon", because it was sooooooo huge. And the reason it was so huge, was because I was soooooo huge! Yet, I still didn't pay much attention to my low carb diet anymore. However, I did realize by the end of July, after being more physically active (thanks the boys playing team baseball), and w/o knowing I was - but eating less, I'd managed to lose 20 lbs. This was w/o even trying at this point. By early August, I was so excited about losing weight, I decided to go w/it! We live out in the country, in the middle of a corn/bean field, literally, and our driveway is a 1/4 of a mile from the house down to the road. So, I figured if I just walk the length of the driveway 4 times down and back, that'd equal a mile! I started doing that everyday through October of '02, till it was getting too cold to be outside. Then I realized I was craving more physical activity, and walking everyday wasn't enough. I'd increased my walking to an hour each day, about 3-3.5 miles, started using 8-15 lb dumbbells, and I pulled out an old exercise bike my parents gave me. I was also using a Total Gym system (you remember? You know, the Chuck Norris infomercial's??) but, that was borrowed from a friend till he needed it back. Doing all this stuff, and wanting more, I had finally lost 88 lbs - or somewhere around that. I did that between Aug '02 - Jan '03. 5 months. That's a lot of weight to lose in 5 months. So, it made sense that I'd hit a plateau. But, I wasn't eating right. A lot of the time, I wasn't eating at all. Very, very small salads, very little other food. I was starving myself more than eating smarter. By spring, my hubby got me a Bowflex system. I fell in love w/that machine!! I still love it, even though now it sits in the garage, stored away, collecting dust. But, I was using it, hubby and his friends were using it, our oldest son even started using it, and he was only 10 at the time. It got a lot of use until hubby decided he was taking a 2 week break towards the end of July that year. So, I took a break as well. Turned out that break was permanent. Neither of us ever got back into it. I was still sitting at that same plateau of a 3 lb +/- range of my lowest loss at the time. Then w/o even realizing I was doing it, I started eating heavy again. And eating desserts again. No more walking. No more exercising. No more ambition to lose. The only ambition I had was to enjoy food again. It took no-time-at-all to put all that weight I'd lost, right back on again.
By the next summer (2004), I started walking again, but that was it. I managed to lose maybe about 20 lbs, but when winter came, I went back into hibernation mode. Spring of '05 comes around, I get a family membership at the local Y and start really putting myself into it again. The 20 lbs I'd put back on over that winter, I managed to lose again. Fall of '05 comes around, and as usual, I put myself back into hibernation mode, no exercising, enjoying eating sweets and comfort foods, putting that 20 lbs right back on again. Only, it wasn't just 20 lbs this time. This time I'd gotten up to my biggest weight ever. I weighed in at 283 lbs, I was wearing a size 22 - correction....I was SQUEEZING into a size 22, because I refused to admit I was actually a size 24, and wouldn't buy bigger clothes to fit more comfortably. I was in 3X shirts, and I wouldn't be caught dead in a swimsuit w/o a huge t-shirt to hide all my rolls. And even that was a rare occasion (to be in a swimsuit, that is). I was F.A.T. ("flabby and tub-sized"). Winter of 2006 was my lowest point, my biggest size, my heaviest weight.
At that point, I was contemplating gastric bypass surgery. Did a lot of research online, and it pretty much scared the living daylights out of hubs and I. It seemed dangerous, so instead of having the surgery, I opted to just eat a diet as if I'd had gastric bypass. I found how gastric patients were supposed to eat through various websites, and came up w/my own plan. I got myself back into the gym, followed my eating plan and actually lost 50 lbs that summer. I was thrilled! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut.........winter 2007 came around, AGAIN, showing its ugly face and reminding me how much I hate the cold, how much I hate any kind of physical activity when it's cold, and how much I love comfort foods and sweets. So, I put weight back on. AGAIN. By summer, I was back at the Y, but I only managed a 10 lb loss by fall.
February 2008 I weighed in at 274 lbs. I was just sick w/myself. We were contemplating doing some remodeling on the house. But decided I needed some remodeling first. I had some major dental work done to regain my smile, and by summer of 2008, I'd had enough. Permanently enough. I made a decision, and I was going to do it this time.
This time, I decided I'm going to work on losing weight again, only I will make sure I get permanent results, and not ever, ever going back.
Stay tuned...............
**Alrighty, let's see if that helped.**. :-)
Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start --- Once upon a time there was this shy, fat girl. (She still can't to this day believe she ever allowed that to happen, but alas she did) She wasn't always fat, but for almost 17 years of her now 40 years of life, she was indeed: FAT. Yes, that's an ugly word. Sounds mean, vicious, judgmental, etc. but, it is, what it is. And I was that. Fat. What is "fat"?
**From the Merriam-Webster Medical Dictionary, 'Fat' is "notable for having an unusual amount of fat! Especially fleshy with superfluous flabby tissue that is not muscle."
**From Wikipedia, "Adipose, or fatty tissue Is the body's means of storing metabolic energy over extended periods of time. Depending on current physiological conditions, adipocytes store fat derived from the diet and liver metabolism or degrade stored fat to supply fatty acids and also glycerol to the circulation. These metabolic activities are regulated by several hormones (i.e., insulin, glucagon and epinephrine). The location of the tissue determines its metabolic profile: "visceral fat" is located within the abdominal wall (i.e., beneath the wall of abdominal muscle) whereas "subcutaneous fat" is located beneath the skin (and includes fat that is located in the abdominal area beneath the skin but above the abdominal muscle wall). Visceral fat was recently discovered to be a significant producer of signaling chemicals (i.e., hormones), among which are several which are involved in inflammatory tissue responses. One of these is resistin which has been linked to obesity, insulin resistance, and Type 2 diabetes. This latter result is currently controversial, and there have been reputable studies supporting all sides on the issue."
Okay, so there's your health/science lesson for the day. Basically, you need fat. Your brain needs it as well as your skin, and organs. But people today tend to eat all kinds of junk, even if it's as simple as chemically processed foods filled w/additives and preservatives. But, that's a whole different blog entry that I'll save for later. :-)
Let me get back to the beginning of my story -
My childhood. My childood was actually, just fine. I was very active. I was a tomboy. I didn't care for the "girly" toys, I wanted toys that would either make me use my creativity (Lite Brite, Spirograph, coloring books/crayons, this slimy gel-type science kit that made bugs and butterflies, but I can't remember the name of it, some kind of bug factory thing. But it was awesome!), or that got me active and outdoors. My favorites were my jump rope, pogo stick, roller skates and my 10 speed bike! I wanted to MOVE!! I wanted to be outside at all times! I couldn't stand playing w/dolls, the only Barbie Dolls I ever got were from friends who didn't know me well enough and gave them to me as birthday gifts. I think I took their body parts off to see how they worked, then gave them to my little sister. I did have a Barbie Bust, where I could style her hair and do her make-up. I did have that side of me - where I loved fashion, make-up, jewelry and hair. But, I had to be active and outdoors. In the winters, I was always out building snow forts and tunnels, sledding down the hill across from Algonquin Elementary School, dressing up in my snowsuit to go outside. In the summer, I had to be outside so much that my sister, our friends and I would camp out in the tent in our back yard all summer long. I had my sleeping bag, pillows, books, tv, Nintendo (the original, and by then I was already a sophomore in high school, lol), boom box and food! The only time we slept indoors was if it rained. I even so much as would prop the hose up over a tree branch and wash my hair outside. (Yeah, I know, I was so weird, but that never changed, lol -I still am) I rode my bike e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e!!! I also walked everywhere. I spent every afternoon riding around through the forest preserves by our house, up and down the big hill, and all 4+ miles around the lake. I went exploring everywhere as well. If it was nature related, I was all over that!
My mom didn't want my sister and I to get big, so she was very strict w/our diets. Never allowing sweets in the house. If we were at a function w/food, 2 small desserts was our limit. We were never allowed soda or Kool-Aid to drink. Milk and water. That's it. I thought we were living this awful life because we were missing out on all that good stuff that we were never allowed to have. Now, I do appreciate what my mom was trying to do. However, I think I may have been better off having some of those treats more often as a child.
By the time I grew up, got married and moved out on my own I felt I was in Heaven. I discovered something during the first few months in our little apartment in Florida, w/my new hubby (other than finding out by our 4th month into our marriage that I was 4 weeks pregnant) and that discovery was that I not only love to cook, but I'm actually pretty good at it, AND I no longer have mom and dad telling me what I can't eat! I realized that by being grown up and on my own, I can now purchase, eat and enjoy all the things I was never allowed to have growing up. By the time I was 6 months pregnant, I weighed 200 lbs. My hubby thought it was funny. I was devastated. I was 20 years old, and foolish enough to think I can "eat for two", and not worry too much about it while I'm pregnant. I was also foolish enough to believe that I would lose all that I gained during pregnancy (which by the day of my last prenatal office visit, the day before our son was born, I weighed in at 232 lbs) that after the baby was born, especially by nursing him. Ok, so I lost about 10 lbs after he was born, and I was only able to nurse him till he was 2 months old, after losing my milk. I didn't think about eating better or exercising. I just tried to not eat as much. Moving back home to Chicago, getting our own apartment there and trying to do a little more activity than I'd been doing, I think I may have lost another 5 lbs or so. Then by the time baby boy was around 9 months old I started watching late night infomercials such as Tony Little's workout tapes. I was sooooo wanting to get those, but it was a few years before I finally did.
**break - had to take c/o a disaster in the freezer that the kids found. All cleaned up now. Besides, you needed a break from reading the mundane run-on paragraph there. Now I'm ready to continue w/another mundane run-on paragraph.** :-)
So, baby boy's first birthday comes around and we discover we're now preggers w/baby boy #2. This time I was thoroughly determined NOT to put on 95-100 lbs (or whatever it was I'd gained w/baby #1). I ate smarter, a lot more fresh veggies, and I tried to not give in to bad cravings. In the end, I was gaining or losing at each doctor visit. So by the time he was born, I'd only gained a total of 9 lbs. I wasn't exactly proud of that, because I know baby needed momma to do better than that, but I was still glad I didn't put on the excess weight.
Moving on, I got sick w/a pretty darn big kidney stone when baby boy #2 was a year old, even went into septic shock before having a stint put in and lithotripsy to have it broken down so it would pass. During this time I managed to FINALLY drop below 200 lbs. but, it wasn't anything I was actually focused on. I was mainly just trying not to die at that point. Plus, we moved away from Chicagoland and out to southeastern Iowa w/hubby's new job. So, I got better. Got rid of that awful stone. And again started enjoying food and eating a lot of garbage again. I stoooopidly managed to put the weight back on that I'd lost while sick w/the stone. Then we decided to try for baby #3. Again, I was determined to not gain all that weight from #1, so I was careful how I ate....but also made sure I ate well enough for a healthy baby gain. By the time baby boy #3 was born, my total pregnancy gain was 25 lbs. A healthy good weight gain for baby boy. Then when we had baby boy #4, I only gained 13 lbs w/him. I tried to be careful w/him, and apparently was again, too careful.
So, a couple years later, we went through a tough trial and tribulation period of losing our only daughter (born too soon, after developing a placental abruption, having her born at 21 weeks and surviving 90 min before fading out), and we decided we needed a whole new start on our life. Moved the fambly (yes, I call them my fambly) out to west central Illinois, where 12 years later, we're still here, in the same house, loving life! We made some friends during our first year out here and discovered we all loved getting together for all kinds of reasons. Including eating out at restaurants - a WHOLE lot, and ordering all kinds of appetizers and desserts, doing birthday parties for all the kids in our families, sometimes birthday parties for the moms and dads as well. Then the holiday parties - Hallowe'en, New Year's, Easter egg hunt parties, Memorial Day, 4th of July - and food was always the main factor. Lots and lots and LOTS of foooooood. All that eating made me very lazy, and very, very fat! I never wanted to go outside. I never wanted to participate in any activity. I never wanted to do anything physical. But sitting around w/all our friends and all kinds of food, glorious food....yup! That I could do! Weekly visits to Applebees w/our friends was also a must! This was a far cry of my previous life in my childhood! I managed to get up to 264 lbs by the time I was 30.
I made a decision. Right after my 30th birthday, I went to my doc and told her "I spent all of my 20's in a food frenzy, being fat, lazy and miserable! I want you to help me change that" She sent me to a nutritionist, and working w/both of them, I was eating a low carb diet. This was back when the Atkins Diet was probably at its highest popularity peak. So, I followed along w/the plan and a month into it, I'd lost 20 lbs. Doc said I was doing real good. But then I started slowing down on the carb free diet, therefore stopped losing. By April, I was back up to 252. I was asked to be matron of honor in a friends wedding. And the style of dress that was chosen for me was an empire waisted floor length dress w/a shawl. And it was all a royal purple. The dresses were beautiful, the wedding was beautiful, my hair was beautiful. The pictures were not. I nick-named my dress "the purple hot air balloon", because it was sooooooo huge. And the reason it was so huge, was because I was soooooo huge! Yet, I still didn't pay much attention to my low carb diet anymore. However, I did realize by the end of July, after being more physically active (thanks the boys playing team baseball), and w/o knowing I was - but eating less, I'd managed to lose 20 lbs. This was w/o even trying at this point. By early August, I was so excited about losing weight, I decided to go w/it! We live out in the country, in the middle of a corn/bean field, literally, and our driveway is a 1/4 of a mile from the house down to the road. So, I figured if I just walk the length of the driveway 4 times down and back, that'd equal a mile! I started doing that everyday through October of '02, till it was getting too cold to be outside. Then I realized I was craving more physical activity, and walking everyday wasn't enough. I'd increased my walking to an hour each day, about 3-3.5 miles, started using 8-15 lb dumbbells, and I pulled out an old exercise bike my parents gave me. I was also using a Total Gym system (you remember? You know, the Chuck Norris infomercial's??) but, that was borrowed from a friend till he needed it back. Doing all this stuff, and wanting more, I had finally lost 88 lbs - or somewhere around that. I did that between Aug '02 - Jan '03. 5 months. That's a lot of weight to lose in 5 months. So, it made sense that I'd hit a plateau. But, I wasn't eating right. A lot of the time, I wasn't eating at all. Very, very small salads, very little other food. I was starving myself more than eating smarter. By spring, my hubby got me a Bowflex system. I fell in love w/that machine!! I still love it, even though now it sits in the garage, stored away, collecting dust. But, I was using it, hubby and his friends were using it, our oldest son even started using it, and he was only 10 at the time. It got a lot of use until hubby decided he was taking a 2 week break towards the end of July that year. So, I took a break as well. Turned out that break was permanent. Neither of us ever got back into it. I was still sitting at that same plateau of a 3 lb +/- range of my lowest loss at the time. Then w/o even realizing I was doing it, I started eating heavy again. And eating desserts again. No more walking. No more exercising. No more ambition to lose. The only ambition I had was to enjoy food again. It took no-time-at-all to put all that weight I'd lost, right back on again.
By the next summer (2004), I started walking again, but that was it. I managed to lose maybe about 20 lbs, but when winter came, I went back into hibernation mode. Spring of '05 comes around, I get a family membership at the local Y and start really putting myself into it again. The 20 lbs I'd put back on over that winter, I managed to lose again. Fall of '05 comes around, and as usual, I put myself back into hibernation mode, no exercising, enjoying eating sweets and comfort foods, putting that 20 lbs right back on again. Only, it wasn't just 20 lbs this time. This time I'd gotten up to my biggest weight ever. I weighed in at 283 lbs, I was wearing a size 22 - correction....I was SQUEEZING into a size 22, because I refused to admit I was actually a size 24, and wouldn't buy bigger clothes to fit more comfortably. I was in 3X shirts, and I wouldn't be caught dead in a swimsuit w/o a huge t-shirt to hide all my rolls. And even that was a rare occasion (to be in a swimsuit, that is). I was F.A.T. ("flabby and tub-sized"). Winter of 2006 was my lowest point, my biggest size, my heaviest weight.
At that point, I was contemplating gastric bypass surgery. Did a lot of research online, and it pretty much scared the living daylights out of hubs and I. It seemed dangerous, so instead of having the surgery, I opted to just eat a diet as if I'd had gastric bypass. I found how gastric patients were supposed to eat through various websites, and came up w/my own plan. I got myself back into the gym, followed my eating plan and actually lost 50 lbs that summer. I was thrilled! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut.........winter 2007 came around, AGAIN, showing its ugly face and reminding me how much I hate the cold, how much I hate any kind of physical activity when it's cold, and how much I love comfort foods and sweets. So, I put weight back on. AGAIN. By summer, I was back at the Y, but I only managed a 10 lb loss by fall.
February 2008 I weighed in at 274 lbs. I was just sick w/myself. We were contemplating doing some remodeling on the house. But decided I needed some remodeling first. I had some major dental work done to regain my smile, and by summer of 2008, I'd had enough. Permanently enough. I made a decision, and I was going to do it this time.
This time, I decided I'm going to work on losing weight again, only I will make sure I get permanent results, and not ever, ever going back.
Stay tuned...............
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